So i have been reviewing old journal entries. I have found that most of my entires have been surrounded by five things. I find that most my journal entries are all about, women, money, work, smoking, and future. I am not sure how to fix any of them. I find, as I get older, more positive that I can work them out into a system that can be beneficial to me. I am able to understand them. lately I have been trying to understand the patterns of my life. I know that I am going to do something great. I just need to understand the patterns of my life. My life is getting better every day. I just need to have patience with it.
Nothing to say La la la, nothing to say. Just chillin here at mojos waiting for my brain to work. I think i may have eaten too many lead toys as a child. Maybe not, I hear that lead is supposed to make you aggressive. I am not very aggressive. Perhaps it is those blasted endocrine disruptor's or maybe it is fluoride. Naw, I am just direction less. Anyone who is out there let me know what I should do with my life.
Walk Run I walked/ran 2mi today, I felt good. I hope to be able to run 2 mi straight, some day. doing that will be hard. I sit on my arse all day at work. I hope to get more energy by exercising more. I have been way too lazy lately. I need to find some focus. I hope exercising will help. I have also made another good step. I went to a dentist and had my teeth fixed. They were starting to hurt. I am so glad to get that taken care of. I have even started brushing my teeth with two forms of tooth paste. The toothpaste the dentist gave me and regular tooth paste. I prolly will start looking for a new job. I will leave further updates on that. Right now life is looking up.
Dentist I get to go to the dentist and get my teeth drilled on, YaY!!!!. Not really Bah I hope this does not hurt too bad. Regardless, It is good to get my teeth worked on. It has been a while since I have had them worked on. I hope the bill wont be too expensive. We will see.
Funny goats I feel so worn, I really hate my anxiety. I feel as if I am going to explode. I am so tired of avoiding my problems. I just do not know how to move when faced with stress. I think I am one of those goats that seize up when you scare it. What a defense mechanism. I suppose it has purpose, It keeps me from dealing with unnecessary problems. But when it comes to important stuff I just shut down. Bah, I am worn out.
La I need to find a new job, Perhaps one in the revolutionary department somewhere. I could be a freedom fighter. But what I really want to be is a professional wanderer. I wonder if that is possible. I really need to learn how to write better.
Tired Bah, I do not want to go to work today. I always have to rush to get the various things done. I am going to make more of a conscious attempt to look for another job. I also joined the Y again. I am going to spend more time walking on the treadmill. I think I will walk twice a week on the treadmill. I need to make a plan of attack on that. Ugh, I do not want to go to work.
Today Well I am single again, I tried with this girl. The problem was that she was not capable of letting things just sit. I have a 117 Dollar Phone bill to prove it. Bah, I really hope there is someone out there for me.
Long time no See Been a while since I last wrote in here. A lot has happened since the last entry. I will write about it soon. I am just writing this segment to start getting back in the habit of writing in my LJ.
Grandma I am really stressed out!!!! I have a funeral and finals to contend to. My grandmother just passed this week. She was a great grandmother. I always enjoyed talking to her. She was a woman who always wanted to talk to you. She would ask lots of questions and always cared about me and my life. I find it fortunate that I got to know her. I got to talk to her. I got to spend so much time with her. She was, and is important to me. I always enjoyed listening to my grandfather and her argue. They had a sense of issue with one another that I always enjoyed to watch. Though neither one of them made any sense when they did argue. However, I always got a chuckle out of it. They enjoyed it. It was who they were. And now that has been broken. I suppose that it is an end to the noise that exists between the two of them. I am sure the silence is deafening. My grandfather has dementia and probably does not know what is happening right now. It is part of the crazyness of relationships. Some enjoy arguing and some want silence. Regarless, I loved my grandma. I will miss her. She is a part of who I am. The memories will live on in me. They will continue through her children. Death is so distant to me. I do not feel the whole pain that I think I should feel. Death is something I look at from a distance. There are times where I feel sad and worried, but I still feel that she is close. I see it as a transition to something more. As much as I doubt god, when it comes to the issues of mortatility I do not question gods will. I just know that it is a different form of existence that has been set up. Maybe that is why I have so much comfort knowing that death isnt permanent. But, as for this life, I find it to be lonely. That the people I find important will eventually pass. That god has seperated us through mortality. I sound kinda crazy right now. Bad week, as I say. As for the moment, and the things that have happened recently, I have a frim belief that the problems of today will pass. They always do. I look at my life five, ten, fifteen, years agon and I know that I am improving on how I deal with life. In my life I only regret how I have treated the people close to me. How I behave like a child and tend to be selfish. I know that I am growing and that I will eventually make good with the lessons in life.
Blah, School is almost over for the semester. I am looking forward to working more. I hate not being able to work as much. I like school, I just do not have the attention span for it. I suppose I could always go on some sort of ADD drug. Eh, na I really hate taking drugs. I feel like I lose control when I do that. But, in retrospect it doesnt make sense. I drink, I smoke. These are all self medicating properties. I think I should just succeed to the soma. Soma being a reference to the book Brave New World. Aulthough I feel like I have accomplished a lot in my life I still feel like I have so much more to do. I just have no destination, purpose, or patience for any of it. I am really just floating. I feel like a emotional vagrant. I know once the dust settles from the semester. I will have more time to make money and go hiking. I will calm down and get a better idea on what the next plan of attack is.
On a brighter note, I got a percolator coffee maker. My aunt gave it to me. it is uber cool. I like to make tea and coffe in it. It really does a nice trick. It works so much better than a regular coffee maker. I like the way it makes my coffee. It is one of those little things that brightens up my day.
Learned Helplessness It is called learned Helplessness. Occurs when people give up becasue they believe that they do not have control over the events in thier lives.
Current Mood: aggravated Current Music:Matchbox 20
Update Hello Journal, It has been a while since I have last writen. A lot of stuff has happend, I have still quit smoking, I moved into a new apartment, and I have quit one of my jobs.
I am very happy where I have moved. I didnt move very far. My old address was 524 middle drive, my new address is 624 middle drive. I litterally moved five houses up. What caused this move, you ask. I had a birtday party. I had a really good birthday party. All of my friends came. They stayed a long time. Until my roomate/house owner, kicked them out. Granted it was 4:30, and Granted the music prolly was a little to loud. I still think he should have just put up with it for one night, considering I gave them a one month warning. I throw one good party a year and I try to make it the best. And usually, do. But to have someone kick my friends out ,while I am passed out, so they can drive home drunk. That makes me mad.
Well anyways, another issue was the amount of time I had to clean up. I did not have a chance to clean completely, imediately. I woke up and did my best to clean up before I went to see my parents for their birthday. I also had to work till 11:30pm that night. By the time I went to finish cleaning up, the roomates/douchebag/owners, obsessive compulsive girlfriend cleaned it up. Well long story short. I told him if he wanted me to leave I will leave. His answer "it would be best". I guess I should be happy. I got out of a shitty situation. I do feel bad though because I got voted off the island.
On the bright side I love my new place. It is a very comfortable peacefull place. I plan on staying there for a couple of years. It is a new start. It is my place. I am glad I could get out of my lease and move there. Thanks to all my friends again. Overall, it is a end to a blah situation and a beginning of a good situation. I am happy right now. Things are improving exponentially. I still have to work on getting school back in order, having to rush move in the middle of semester can do that. I am sure it is a setback, but I will recover.
As far as the job quitting. That was for school. Working two jobs and going to school was a bad Idea anyays. I hated that job. I really hate babysitting people who dont apreciate you. The guy I was working with was a brat anyways. I really wanted to get out of tard wrangling to begin with. I quit on good terms, and I can possibly work over the summer. I do like most of the participants, but I was really tired of the work. I really didnt like the guy I was workin with, he was spoiled and there was a lot of politics behind him. Therefore, he really got under my skin. So quitting is just another step to a better life.
I have learned a lot about myself this winter. I am excited about what the future brings. I had a few weeks of sadness but I handled it. I made it. I feel relatively unscathed. I think this makes me older. I feel that it makes me more mature. Some people may not agree, but they are just poo poo heads anyways. I shall enjoy this spring, summer, and, fall.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
joshm21's journal
awake
blah
energetic
hopeful
pensive
restless
tired
sad
chipper
aggravated
stressed